Attachment: Unwilling to let go
So here we are, back at the keyboard exploring the mind and bearing witness to my life. I spend the energy crafting these pieces as it allows me to explore ideas and share in a stream of words on the page. Some folks have taken the time to share their experiences of reading these with me which is pleasant, but I also get to remind myself that I am doing this for me. Writing is a medium I’ve had some self-limiting beliefs around that I want to push through anyway. So here we go.
In most of my lived experiences, I’ve observed that the cause of my frustrations come from attachment. What am I unwilling to let go, or what I desire, seems to be at the root of my adversity.
Ever since I read the Buddhist belief that all suffering comes from attachment, I’ve been reflecting on the myriad things that I think make me who I am. What would happen if I created a list of as many things that make Nick “Nick”, and then started deleting them from my life? Would I still be me?
Like most, COVID was a challenge, and when California chose to close all schools, we opted to move back to Australia rather suddenly to take advantage of the different approach to managing the crisis. We acknowledge that we are among the lucky ones and that our flexibility is a luxury that isn’t afforded to most people.
Upon my return, I noticed very quickly that my community was expecting a different person. A decade abroad brings new learnings, new experiences and new ways of being. I’ve worked hard to grow in certain areas and this growth was going to be tested. A fork in the road had been reached. I could take a left turn, backpedal my growth and meet my community’s old expectations of me OR make a right turn, and invite my community to meet me where I’m at currently. The invitation has been accepted by many and returned to sender by many. As a recovering people-pleaser it’s been hard to let go of some relationships, but I am trying hard to stay the course and leave the door open for old friendships to recover. Letting go of friendships has been hard but I have to trust that the deep ones will survive in the fullness of time.
“I realized that Maharishi was offering love with detachment, the mark of a great sage. I remembered one of his favorite remarks”
“I love you, but it’s none of your business.”
Deepak Chopra, quoting Maharishi
Within the process of reconsidering my attachments, the physical bits of me were easy to reflect on. Does a body make a person? Does 85 kilos of water, blood and bone form who I am? I’ve been very attached to my hair over the years, often receiving compliments about it. The ego would have me believe that my hair is a large part of who I am, one of my best physical attributes. As a validation addict, it consumed me. It even became a long running joke at my previous company; so much so that it became part of my identity. What would it feel like to shave it off? I sat with this for three months mustering up the courage to get the clippers out. Something so important to win the affection of men and women in an attempt to feel good about myself would surely be hard to part ways with. Finally the day had come when I just thought to myself, “f*ck it.” If not today, then never. Rather surprisingly, this was easy for my ego to part ways with. Within ten minutes the razor had buzzed it way through my ‘best feature’, each clump hitting the floor as a gentle reminder that it’s just hair and what makes me me is not how I look.
Physical items like clothes, cars, watches, things, stuff are now under review. The remains of ten years of living in LA sit in a storage facility collecting dust. How easy would it be to send a note to management requesting they donate all my items? Am I attached to them? What does it say about me if I can blindly just let it all go and know they’re going to a better place? We’ll see in the coming weeks, what happens to my brand-new skis!
Each birthday I give myself the gift of a health check up. A total body scan inside and out. This year we found an anomaly, a fluttering heart. The cause is unclear but a possible solution is a significant lifestyle change; the biggest of which is cutting out alcohol. This will be a tough one to let go. The world I’ve created for myself and continue to live in is a drinking culture. The work, the people, the food, the trips, the memories; many often unfold over a glass of wine. Take that away and what’s left? I’m dreading finding out. Yet as I write this, I’m six weeks sober and likely on a continuum of no or very very little alcohol in my life. My ego is constantly playing tricks on me and even though my Heineken Zero’s are fooling my muscle memory for now, the constant chatter of what I’m going to miss out on consumes me. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in drinking culture and to let that go is all part of the process baby.
This has been interesting to reflect on as my writing coach challenged me to explore the relationship between addiction and attachment. There are many people suffering from substance addiction so where does this intersect with attachment. For now, I am resting with addiction being the physical manifestation of the attachment. To say I was addicted to alcohol feels a little strong but it’s something that I’m exploring further.
Returning home I noticed myself quickly falling into a loathed habit of others by talking about how slow the tempo is in Sydney. Sheesh I was becoming “that guy”. Noticing I was attempting to position myself as some entrepreneur guy with an exit, a list of startups I’ve advised, a level of wokeness I’ve levitated to and a bunch of contacts I have amassed, I was determined for others to see me in the same light as I saw myself. I cringe going back over those conversations. Reflecting as I write this, I was holding on so tightly to a narrative that I wanted everyone to believe. At times, I felt like an imposter in America, because my success was dwarfed by my peers. Being the director, writer and lead actor of my life, I’m choosing to edit my script and letting go to that narrative. Writing this and highlighting it publicly provides lubricant so my mind can let this one slip by we hope.
My attachment to being right is a big one for me. What happens if I’m wrong? Does it matter either way? If the Buddhist way is a conscious path, then being right or wrong shouldn’t matter. It’s all an opportunity for growth. Noticing when I get triggered and letting the reaction pass without trying to control has been a blessed learning I received from Kabbalah. I completed level one and my top learning from the teachings is about letting go. “Pause………what a pleasure” is such a simple construct and forms the bedrock of the Kabbalah practice. This is a daily practice for me and, along with meditation, has brought peace to my life.
Craving things like acknowledgement, success, money, power; these desires are becoming easier to spot in my life. Often, I confuse purpose and ambition as if ambition is a cover for attachment. I don’t intend to sit on a rock in lotus position, wanting for nothing in my life, so it’s a hard line to walk and one I’m still seeking wisdom on. In the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, they speak to the world having our back and if you trust and let go the world will deliver it all.
This state of trusting and letting go is the place I want to be.
The quest I am on in 2021 is to just be. Be me. To me that feels like love, adventure, peace and a quiet mind. I have tools in my toolbelt and people in my life who have joined me on this path. If anyone is reading this and has wisdom to share, please drop me a line.
Thanks for reading and Nick Burke prompting this new article.
Nicholas G K Ingate
