To need or not to need
The process of writing this piece is a little different. I set myself a three month list of goals and ‘write another article’ was on there. With the end of the month only 24 hours away, I sat at my screen and banged this out without much rumination. Below is naked, rough and unfolding as I type.
Almost six years into fatherhood, I’ve learnt that kids have needs. That much we can agree, as survival depends on it. What I currently seem to be debating is do we as adults have needs also. Take, for example, the new relationship I find myself in. Do I need my lover to do x and y or be this and that, or can we survive not needing anything from each other? I am leaning towards the latter. Let me explain.
One definition of the word “need” reads “a need is something that is necessary for an organism to live a healthy life. Needs are distinguished from wants. In the case of a need, a deficiency causes a clear adverse outcome: a dysfunction or death”. Claiming to have agency (as I do) over my life, my body and my thoughts, means that I’m required to meet my own needs, doesn’t it? I can agree that being in a partnership partnership, whether it be romantic, business, familial or otherwise makes life rich and worth living but that doesn’t make it a need. What happens when the person becomes unable to meet my needs? Does life become dysfunctional or worse, death?
Lebanese poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran says in On Marriage
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
The final line really speaks to me. To be its strongest, the oak needs enough space for the root system to find water to nourish itself. It needs to be far enough away to grow a thick trunk for stability. It need not be in the shadows, so the leaves can radiate in sunshine to provide the vital life force. These needs come from within, perhaps even from mother nature herself and are perfectly designed to ensure the organism lives a healthy life. In this example I ask myself what is a romantic relationship? Perhaps the life we make is the canopy of leaves and branches that come together between the oak and cypress. It’s the cooling shade provided below for creatures to rest underneath. Maybe the fruit of the trees that hit the ground is the nourishment for the soil. When I picture this visual it crystallises my feelings around how to be the best version of myself, so I can show up in a relationship without needs.
This is somewhat counterintuitive because I am aware that my love language is physical touch. I know I like to feel validated and safe plus a whole range of other emotional needs. I suppose what I am trying to say is if I keep my ego in check, meaning I don’t need to feel validated or I don’t need to feel safe from others then the whole “having my needs met” will fade away. That’s the ambition, right?
What I can commit to in relationships is a lifelong journey of being the best version of myself. I commit to being independent in thought and honest in my speech. I commit to a daily practice of vulnerability and intimacy. I commit to urious exploration and new experiences, laughs and fun because nothing is ever too serious. Firstly I commit to these values for me, and by embodying them daily and keeping complacency in check, the needs of others won’t have a role. I will continue to have agency over my world and those who I let in will have agency of theirs.
Upon reflection I enjoyed this approach as my thoughts were unclear as the first words hit the page but my intention was to take you on a journey as ideas expanded. As I finish, I would like to note that each of us get to ask ourselves where we sit on the spectrum of being needed. I lean more heavily to the end of not needing and conversely not being needed. That final point is a bit of spin out and something we can unpack next time; “not being needed”.
Thank you for reading,
Nicholas G K Ingate
