Why I chose to take time off during my prime “earning years”
The following is a brief account of things I’ve been questioning: where I’ve been recently, where I’m at now, where I’d like to go, as well as an account of the first steps I’m taking in that journey.
They say our twenties are for learning and thirties are for earning. I can see how a rational mind could arrive at this conclusion, make sense of it, and dive unquestioningly into the rat race. Then what? Wake up at fifty five with a mortgage, school fees, a body that you don’t desire, thoughts of regret and a deep yearning for dramatic change?
Twenties are for learning, they say. Does that mean at thirties, forties and fifties our learning declines? A quick scan of both American and Australian statistics suggest that this mindset has a negative impact on our community.
Pain and suffering in our families are on the rise everywhere:
Prescription drug dependance
Mental disorders and self harm
Relationship and marriage breakdown
Early career burnout
Political and community division
Widening of wealth disparities
A sense of anxiety about the future
What if we all took a moment to look inward? What would we find if we took inventory of our mental and emotional landscapes? Are we on track? Or do we need to course correct? This type of introspection could set us up for an abundant life; a life where learning, earning, loving and joy all work harmoniously.
It takes courage to take stock, for fear of what one might find. We’ve learned to settle for what is rather than striving for what’s possible. This is why I’ve set out to challenge my comfort zone and push myself to the edges.
I often think about the typical life expectancy of eighty years, breaking it down into twenty-year quarters:
0–20 years
21–40 years
41–60 years
61–80 years
Some of us get overtime of an extra ten to twenty years, some of us get less than 80. For the sake of this article let’s settle on an average lifespan of eighty years.
At thirty-four, I’m closing in on half-time. Resisting the urge of societal, familial and financial pressures, I decisively chose to take time away from my career; a twelve month sabbatical.
Despite ongoing self-doubt, I choose to take stock of my life and meticulously review the choices I make for the life I want. Some questions that help guide my introspection:
- If I died tomorrow, who would come to my funeral? What would they say? Who would say it?
- How does my daughter describe me to her friends?
- What kind of brother, son, dad, partner, friend do I want to be?
- What are my deepest insecurities?
- Do I fear failure or do I fear success?
- Why do I have walls around my heart?
- Why don’t I ever feel good enough?
- Why do I spend so much time as a people-pleaser?
- Why do I find that I’m sometimes not present with my daughter?
- What’s more important, money or time for experience?
- Where do I want to live?
- What is the vision that guides my life?
- What labels have I attached to my identity and sexuality?
- What am I responsible for in the breakdown of my past relationship?
- What do I resist or fear the most?
This final point led me to writing this blog.
Having grown up in Sydney with a relatively privileged life, I took a risk and moved to Los Angeles to set up an Australian business for US expansion. I became a partner in that global brand consultancy and eight incredibly rewarding years later I made some changes. I chose to exit and sell my shares, with one very clear intention for the months to follow.
“To get out of my head for what I should be doing, and relax into love and presence”
I have a strong aversion to the word “should”. To me, the word represents external pressures that I allow, often unconsciously, to dictate, govern, or derail my decision-making process. This internal voice, in some circles, is called the ego. In others it’s referred to as the subconscious. For this post and future writings I will be referring to the ego.
For the second part of my intention, I carefully selected the word “relax”, because I didn’t want to force change. It’s important to me that I take time and trust the universe that things will come in the order that I need to receive them. Finally, love and presence… well… what else is there? Without presence, true love cannot be experienced. So here I am, five months into my sabbatical and I’ve learnt so much intellectually. But more importantly, I’ve allowed my body to feel so much more. I’m in a place where I’m beginning to experience extended periods of no thought, no ego.
I feel a great sense of peace. I’ve felt things and had experiences I never thought were possible, that my ego mind simply wouldn’t allow.
To help get me out of my head and into my body, I sought counsel from many trusted friends, and created a list. A series of experiences, literature and activities that would aid in my quest.
I’ve created this list and would be happy to share with anyone who’s curious to learn more. Email me.
First and foremost, this blog is for me. Whether one person or one hundred people read it, makes no difference. I’m in a state of practicing equanimity and not being attached to an outcome. The basis of Buddhism is that attachment is the cause of all pain and suffering. For the longest time, my ego told me that I was never a good writer. My family and I used to joke that, even after graduating from a top private school in Australia, and going onto university with an education degree, I still struggle with spelling the word cat (which is somewhat true). I succumb to my ego and build systems and tools around me, often having colleagues proof my emails, having convinced myself that I’m not worthy of telling my story. I was being held back by insecurities. I’m writing this blog to break through that self-limiting belief, to quiet the mind and embrace discomfort.
Discomfort, on the outer edges, where it feels sick to push on, is where the richness of life exists. It’s where the greatest lessons are learned and the greatest opportunities for growth lie. This doesn’t mean creating a bucket list and jumping out of a plane or swimming with sharks. My discomfort zone is the questioning and challenging of the deepest parts of my ego.
I’m committing to writing six blog posts. Once a month, posting online. The intention is for it to be raw, vulnerable and an account of the experiences I create to break through self-limiting beliefs. I’m terrified of what I might find within. My hands are trembling as I write this final paragraph, because my ego wants to resist and play it safe. F that, I’m going for it.
I have no idea what’s on the other side and that makes me terribly uncomfortable, and that’s the point.
Thanks for reading.
Nicholas G K Ingate
Discomfort rating for breaking through and posting my first blog:
7 out of 10
P.S. I still get help proofing. Thank you JJ, for kindly supporting me.
